Computer Wars
by Sorceress Fantasia
Summary: Insanity ensues when the GW gang starts building their own computers.
1. The HC Menace

Title: GW Computer Wars Episode 1: The HC Menace

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: Implied 1x2

Warnings: Humor, Relena bashing, Ocs, AU (In fact, this takes place in our world)

Disclaimer: The people who own GW has the money to build an entire fleet of Leos and Virgos. Since I currently own only a book bag and some worksheets that are due really soon, that can't be me. Yeah, so I don't own GW. Kurama and Hiei from YYH, who make a guest appearance, do not belong to me either. They belong to their creator.

Notes: This struck me in a moment of insanity, so expect it to be stupid. This is what might happen if the GW guys manufactured their own personal computers and sold them. And I know most salesman don't allow customers to play around with the computers so much, but just take it as artistic license. ^^

Ian entered the electronics store, and began to look around. He cursed his luck, as he found himself in foreign territory. To him, computers were only used for typing, reading fanfics, and sending comments to other writers on the MLs. Whatever else computers could do, he had no idea.

He had gone to a Yaoi Convention last week, and much to his glee, met a few of his favourite writers at the yaoi discussion panel, bought loads of anime merchandise and doujinshis and took rolls of photos of various cosplayers. He should have known his luck wouldn't hold out. When he returned, he found that his computer had broken down due to his sister's so called innocent meddling. His school's computers were just too slow for him to read all those fanfics on his MLs, and even slower at downloading all those yaoi fanart. Furthermore, he wanted to share his photos and experience at the convention with his web friends so badly! Nearly drooling at those thoughts, he decided to get a new one quickly. He just couldn't wait.

"Good day, Sir. Do you need anything?"

He turned to the man in a white suit, undeniably a salesman, who was standing beside him. "Erm, I need to get a new PC…" Ian took a glance at the salesman's nametag. "…J."

J immediately perked up, and quickly led Ian to the computer section. "Oh yes, Sir! We've just had a new shipment of PCs! They're all very new, barely developed a few months ago! Take a look! I'm sure you'll like one of them!"

Ian winced as he was dragged away, his mind musing. 'This guy must've not sold a single thing for a very long time… No surprise there, though.' His mind was still a little far off when J let go of his hand, and was most certainly a little stunned at the sudden halt.

J moved over to where several computers were set up at various counters. He gestured to one of them, "See this? This is the Relena Computer, a fantastic computer for pacifists and diplomats! Many world leaders use this!"

He would have said more, but Ian interrupted with a grimace and a disgusted look. "Please! It's completely PINK! Even the keyboard and the mouse are pink! The world leaders don't buy it for themselves! They buy it for their daughter's Barbie dolls!"

"Okay, okay. How about this one?" J quickly moved over to another one.

Ian sweatdropped. "Haven't you read the latest PC World Magazine? The Lady Une computer is notorious for switching between working well, and going absolutely bonkers! And you are recommending it to me? C'mon! It's for schizophrenics!"

J quickly showed him another.

"Hmm… this looks fine to me." Ian finally said, scrutinizing the dark coloured PC. He placed his hand on the mouse, and clicked on an icon. "What? Groceries list? I don't want this…" He grumbled, and closed the window. Opening another one, he was disgruntled to find yet another supermarket's groceries list. When he tried a third icon and saw another list, he turned to the old salesman. "All this computer does is show me groceries list, when I don't even want 'em!"

"Well, the Hirde computer is meant for people who want to buy daily necessities from supermarkets online. Depending on which icon you click on, you can find groceries lists of various supermarkets." J explained, giving him a nervous smile.

"Do I look like a housewife?"

"Homemaker?" J suggested, laughing uncertainly.

Ian spared him another glare. "And you look like an idiot! Gimme another one!"

The salesman jumped a little at the shout, and quickly ducked behind a sleek white computer. "This one?" He asked in a timid voice.

Ian gave it an appreciative glance. "Nice screen saver." He laughed, as he saw a chibi pink-clad girl with wheat coloured hair getting shot repeatedly. By the time she fell to the ground, she vaguely resembled a beehive. He moved up to try it out. When he placed his hand on the mouse, he grumbled, "Hey! Why does this mouse only have the left button? Why did the right one go?"

"HC's mouse has only a the left button. According to the creator, it saves energy because there is no reason to work both fingers when you can work fine with only one." J answered.

"HC?"

"It's the abbreviation for Heero Computer. Although, people who like it call it Handsome Chap, while those who hate it call it Hateful Cur. Depends on every user."

Ian nodded, and looked back at the screen. After he moved the mouse, the screen saver disappeared and he could see the wallpaper. "Cool! I like this one!" He exclaimed, unconsciously letting out a wolf whistle. The wallpaper featured a violet-eyed boy with long, chestnut hair taking a shower. Mist was strategically placed to cover his modesty.

"Ah yes, most users like this wallpaper as well. But you should read the words at the bottom." J advised.

"See, but no touch." Ian read aloud, although he found it hard for the words to register in his mind with the seductive wallpaper staring back at him. "Try touching, and omae o korosu!" He sweatdropped, and gave up looking. The threat was stupid, but… it was better to play safe.

The teen clicked on the Internet icon, and he blinked when he saw the default homepage. "101 ways to kill Relena Peacecraft?" True to the title, the page listed many ways of murdering the most renowned and unfortunately, irritating politician in the world. Some methods were pretty conventional, like shooting her in the head or knocking her down with a car. But others were rather… innovative. There was one that suggested genetically altering her eyes so she would be unable to see pink forever, and she would die of misery. Another suggested telling her that Heero Yuy was gay, so she would die of a heart attack.

Ian chuckled. Whoever designed this web page certainly didn't like the girl the slightest bit.

Satisfied, he closed the Internet window. Then, he spied a weird looking icon. With a frown, he clicked on it. A new window opened, and showed a boy wearing a green tank top and black spandex shorts. A whole array of buttons of various shapes and sizes were at the right of the screen, while a bunch of numbers and tables were on the left.

"What's this?"

J took a look, and quickly explained, "This is a special program, found exclusively only in the HC. It is used to measure and show the flexibility and elasticity of spandex when worn in different situations. For instance, if you entered 'climbing a ladder' in the text box over here…" He typed the action in the box, and the virtual boy moved up a wooden ladder. A set of numbers appeared immediately on the left side of the screen. "See? The elasticity of spandex when you are climbing up a ten-ring ladder is 1.2 E, where E is elasticity."

"…I see. But what's the use of that?"

"Well, some people like wearing spandex all the time, so they might want to know how many pairs they need to bring with them when they're out on a mission or…" He seemed to have realized his mistake, and hastily added, "I did hear the creator of the HC is a huge fan of spandex."

"Okay…" Ian gave the HC a disbelieving stare, and shrugged. He closed the window. Seeing another weird icon below the spandex program, he clicked on it.

Another window popped up. This time, two people were in the middle of the screen. The left and right sides were occupied by various buttons and command boxes. "And this is?"

"The virtual Kama Sutra."

Ian choked. "THE WHAT?!"

"Virtual Kama Sutra. It comes only when the DC is purchased together. It shows the various sexual positions you may achieve with either one, or two partners. See? You can choose to have three people on the screen too, and you can enter the position you want them to demonstrate. Furthermore, you can design the characters you use too. For instance, people with a hair fetish may want the characters to have long hair. The best thing is that you can also choose the character's gender, so you can put two boys or two girls together."

"I know what the Kama Sutra is! What I want to know is why is this here?"

"You'll have to send a letter to Wing Inc. and ask the creator." J smirked. "Anyway, this program of the HC is pretty popular among young teenage girls. They always seem to be mumbling something that vaguely sounds like 'lemon scenes', 'yaoi' and 'fanfics'… whatever those are."

Ian perked up at the idea. He could use one of those too, and finish writing that steamy lemon scene between Kurama and Hiei… Luckily, he caught himself before he could drool on the keyboard.

"Wait, you mentioned something called DC…"

"Yes sir. The DC is the Duo Computer. Its creator is on fairly good terms with the creator of HC, so some of the features come together as a set."

"As a set, huh? Like what?

"For instance, the Kama Sutra shows up in both computers if bought as a set. Also, if you buy them together, you'll get other accessories in addition to the ones that come with only one computer." J paused, catching his breath. There were just too much to say. "If you buy the HC with the DC, you'll get two bottles of lubricant and a box of condoms in addition to the workable cannon if you had bought only the HC, and the hairbrush, lock picks and a miniature scythe if you had bought the DC alone."

"…Oh. I guess if I want an explanation, I would have to write to the creators?"

"Yes."

"…Okay." Ian decided it was safer for his sanity to ignore that. Fanfics aside, it was weird to have condoms and lube coming with computer purchases. It felt like the computers were the ones using them… He shuddered at the thought.

Banishing that thought, he opened up a word document. Settling his hands down on the keyboard, he started to type some random words. Suddenly, just when he was in the middle of a sappy scene between Kurama and Hiei, a 'Ninmu' appeared on the screen. Ian blinked. He was certain he hadn't typed that. He shrugged, and deleted that word away. Then, after some typing, a 'Ryoukai' appeared. He blinked again.

"Are you having problems with the keyboard?" J asked.

"Yea. Words that I don't type keep appearing on the screen! I know I have the tendency to type wrongly, but it can't be that bad…"

J moved up and pointed at the keyboard. "Quite a few new users of the HC also had this problem initially. See these buttons?"

Ian took a closer look. On the far right side of the keyboard, there were a few strange buttons that had the words 'Ninmu', 'Ryoukai', 'Kanryou', 'Hn' and 'Omae o korosu'. "What's all these?"

"They're special buttons that gives you word when you press it. Like, if you pressed the 'Hn' button, 'Hn' would appear on your screen immediately. It saves time."

"But for what? These words are useless!"

J shrugged. Ian got an idea that he needed to ask the creator… again.

"Anyway, if you buy the DC together, we'll give you a special keyboard."

"What's so special about it?"

"Apart from all these special buttons, there's another that goes 'baka'."

Ian sweatdropped, and turned back to his document. On habit, he saved the document. "Oh no… I gotta delete this away." Saying so, his hand moved over to the 'delete' button on the keyboard. Finding none, he decided to ask for help… from the computer that is. He clicked on the 'Help' function.

Almost immediately, a red word flashed on the screen. It read 'Baka', and after that faded away, a set of instructions appeared. As Ian read the instructions on how to delete the file, the word 'Baka' kept flashing on the screen.

"Hey! What's this 'Baka' crap about?"

"Oh, it's the 'Help' function."

"I know! But why is the HC calling me an idiot?"

"You asked for help." J answered, not a bit sympathizing.

Ian growled, but finally got the idea of how to delete his file. He clicked on the file's icon, and dragged it to the recycle bin. When the file got into the recycle bin, Ian heard a sound booming out of the speakers.

There was the distinct sound of paper being torn up, and someone said, "Omae o korosu."

"What the hell?"

"That's the recycle bin. It sort of tears up the deleted file, and says 'I will kill you' to the user." J replied with a grin, who was getting a kick at seeing someone freaked out by the HC. God knows how shocked he was when he first used it.

Ian muttered something to himself about 'crazy old man', but continued trying the HC. Suddenly, a big yellow box appeared in the middle of the screen, and started flashing. He read the black text in the yellow box.

"Warning: Pink within vicinity!"

He nearly laughed out loud. "What? Pink within vicinity?"

J snickered. "Yes, it is a unique characteristic of the HC. It gives its users a warning sign when it senses the presence of any pink object within a 10 meter radius."

Ian laughed harder. When his laughter died down, he returned to the computer, and he noticed that the warning had disappeared. It probably meant that the pink object had moved out the HC's radar system. Suddenly, Ian noted an increase in computer speed.

"Hey… the computer's speed is increasing."

"Oh, that must be because the HC sensed the presence of a black object within 20 meters."

"What?"

"Like the warning it gives when it senses pink, the HC perks up when it senses black. Supposedly, its speed increases even more when it senses black, purple and chestnut together. I haven't tried that yet, though. I'm worried that the HC will work so fast that it gets overloaded."

Ian chuckled. Too bad he didn't know the creator of the HC. Surely, he'd have a really interesting story about the computer to inspire his next fanfic. Turning back to the HC, he continued exploring. Who knew a PC could be so fun?

He must have worked it too hard, however, for the HC suddenly jammed. "Oh no…" On instinct, Ian pressed the 'escape' button on the keyboard, much to the horror of J.

"NO! Don't press that!" The old man yelled, running away as fast as the chopsticks he called his legs could carry him.

Ian was left there, pretty much bewildered. "Hey… what's wrong with pressing 'escape'? Weird old fellow…" Then, he heard a voice coming out of the computer.

"Ninmu ryoukai."

And it exploded.

Minutes later, the smoke cleared away. Ian was still standing there, although his clothes were charred, and his skin covered with soot.

"I tried to tell you," J said as he walked back to the computer counter cautiously, "But you were too fast. The HC explodes when you press 'escape' because it's a mission failure!"

Ian coughed, and a puff of smoke was seen. "Does this also happen if I reset the HC?"

J thought for a moment. "No."

"Okay, I'm buying it. She'll never know what hit her the next time she messes with my computer!" He grinned.

~End of Episode 1~

Sorceress Fantasia @ 2nd November 2002

Proud member of 1x2ML, GWML, HDML, SDDI


	2. Attack of the DC

Title: GW Computer Wars Episode 2: Attack of the DC

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: Implied 1x2

Warnings: Humor, Severe Relena bashing, OCs, AU (In fact, this takes place in our world)

Disclaimer: The people who own GW has the money to build an entire fleet of Leos and Virgos. Since I currently own only a book bag and some worksheets that are due really soon, that can't be me. Yeah, so I don't own GW. Hiei from YYH, who makes a guest appearance, does not belong to me either. He belongs to his creator. And as everyone in the world probably know, Windows belongs to Microsoft. Not me, okay? Jaws, Chips More and Star Wars do not belong to me either.

Notes: This struck me in a moment of insanity, so expect it to be stupid. This is what might happen if the GW guys manufactured their own personal computers and sold them.

Ian smiled as he typed on his HC, sentence after sentence. Indeed, J was right. The virtual Kama Sutra was a great help in writing lemons, and he had already written 5 PWPs with it. The Spandex program was being put to great use too, and he no longer had problems over stretching his biking pants.

But the best thing he liked about the HC was its tendency to explode. Two weeks ago, which was approximately a week after he had bought the HC, his sister had tried to meddle with it while he was off drinking at a club. The HC had exploded right in her face, and she never dared to touch it again. Lucky for him, the HC did self-repairs after the explosion stunt, and was ready for usage again the next day.

Deep in his thoughts, he was rudely snapped out of his trance when his sister knocked on his door.

"Hey."

"What, Deana?"

"I need some help in setting up my new computer."

Ian blinked. "Ma allowed you to buy one?"

"Of course. She didn't want to clean the house of all the smoke and dust again."

He winced. The explosion was good at keeping pests like his sister away, but not good when it involved a mother, a broom, a dozen rags and a pail of water.

"Fine. So where's the computer?"

"In my room. Come over."

Ian reluctantly saved his document and headed for Deana's room. When he entered, he was surprised to see a familiar looking computer sitting on the desk, wires all dangling around. "Hey, isn't this the DC?"

Deana nodded. "Yeah. I showed the salesman the certificate of us owning a HC, and he recommended me the DC. Said it worked best when they come together."

"Is the salesman, by any chance, called J?" Ian raised an eyebrow. He was so going to wallop that perverted jerk.

She thought for a while. "No. I think it some old mushroom called G."

"Mushroom?" Ian asked, as he started to set up the DC.

"Yeah, he resembled one."

As the set up process of the DC was pretty similar to that of the HC, Ian got it up and going within an hour. "Okay, it's done."

"No, it's not. The DC is supposed to have four mouse! You've only set up one of them!"

"Four? It's not possible for a computer to have four mouse at a go!"

Deana ignored him, and reached into the box that had contained the DC. Fishing around, she dug out three other mouse. "See? The DC at the store had four too! That salesman said that there's one for each limb so users can switch frequently between them when they're tired. Now I won't have to be worried about over straining my right hand!" She smirked.

Ian sweatdropped, and hooked them onto the DC. Finally, he switched on the computer.

"What the heck? Bulletproof Windows 2000?" He nearly yelled.

"Well, I asked G about that too. He said that the creator of the DC was tired of always repairing the windows in his mansion because the creator of the HC likes to wave a gun around and shooting everything. So when he created a new operating system for the DC, he created the Bulletproof version of Windows. Not that it affects anything."

When she finished, the DC had already moved onto the next loading screen. A startup sound was heard.

"Let Shinigami bring you to hell!" Ian blinked.

"Oh wait. We forgot something." Deana suddenly exclaimed, and she ran back to the package box. When she came back, she stuck a little scythe with a neon green blade at the top of the monitor. "See? The DC can also work as a receiver, and this little thingy here is the antenna. It's an accessory that came with the purchase. They also gave me a hairbrush and some lock picks to hide in my hair. I almost wanted to buy the Wufei Computer too. If I had bought them together, they'd have given me a can of neon pink spray paint. And it was such a nice shade!" She whined.

"I'm lucky then. If you had gotten that pink spray, I can't imagine what would happen to my HC. It would be flashing that 'Warning: Pink within vicinity' everyday." Ian noted, and turned back to the DC and saw the wallpaper. "…Cool."

Deana leaned on her brother's shoulder and tried to see. "Hey, it's a banner. 'Anti-Relena Campaign'? Is this Relena the same Relena as Relena Peacecraft, the politician?"

"I think so. The creators of the HC and the DC both seem to hate this gal. Well, J did tell me the two are on fairly good terms."

Deana shrugged, and she grabbed a mouse. Seeing an icon she liked, she clicked on it and a window sprang up. A wide selection of weapons ranging from advanced nuclear warheads to primitive stone spears was on the right side of the screen, while a whole assortment of actions that included humiliate, belittle and push around, to name a few, was on the left. A girl took center stage. She had wheat coloured hair, blue eyes and was clad in pink from head to toe. A little banner under her bore the name 'Relena Darlian'.

Curiously, Deana clicked on 'Push into sea'. Almost immediately, virtual Relena was shoved into an ocean. She struggled desperately, hands splashing around wildly while sounds of someone gulping water blasted out of the speakers. Suddenly, Jaws swam towards her from behind with its mouth wide open, and swallowed her whole. Just when Deana thought it was finished, the shark suddenly turned green in its face and sank to the seabed. An arrow appeared above it, and read 'Died of food poisoning'. Then the screen disappeared, and Relena returned to her position in the middle of the screen.

Ian and Deana looked at each other, blinking. Silently, Ian took the mouse and clicked 'Deathscythe'. A gigantic black robot soon appeared, and Relena appeared inside a pink limo. The robot picked up the limo, and put it back in position. With a mighty swing, it swung its golf club hard and the limo flew off into the sun. A banner appeared at the top, and 'Hole in one!' flashed in multi-colour. When Ian tried 'Altron', the robot merely kicked the limo with Relena somewhere really far, and said 'GOAL!!!'

The siblings shut down the program.

"I would definitely say they hate her."

Ian nodded, and he laughed. "And I thought my homepage was evil!"

Deana laughed. "Yeah, I nearly rolled on the floor when I saw that one! Let's try mine!" She clicked on the Internet icon, and felt her eyes go wide. "'101 ways to seduce spandex-clad Japanese boys into bed'. Interesting."

"Wow! Look at this one! I think the webmaster must be a guru in this!"

She leaned towards the screen. "Leave a trail of fresh strawberries and whip cream leading from the doorstep to the bedroom, and make sure you are already lying on the bed. Might work better if bed is covered with red satin sheets. Hmm… I don't like this one. Imagine all the ants and pests the strawberries might attract."

"Apparently, the webmaster has thought of that. He said, 'My objective is to get a spandex-clad Japanese hottie into my bed. If you find ants eating your strawberries, deal with it.'"

After another ten minutes of scrolling, Ian clicked on the website's affiliate. "'How to always wear black and not be confused with a mourner'."

"Nice website. Good topic too. The last time I cosplayed Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho, I was nearly pulled into the cemetery by some overly eager keeper, thinking I was there to attend someone's funeral." Deana remarked, closing the window. She would have to check it out later.

Looking over the wallpaper, she spied another attention catching icon. "The virtual Kama Sutra."

"You have it too?"

"Of course. I took the ownership certificate of the HC to the store, remember?" Deana reminded. "Hey, wait a minute. Why does your HC have the Kama Sutra too? I thought it comes only if you buy the DC as well?"

"The HC exploded in the store. With me in front of it. It's rightful compensation." Ian argued. "Anyway, don't open this one yet. We've both seen it before in HC, let's try something else."

"Ok." She chose the icon above it, and a scroll of words quickly appeared.

"Connecting to nearest Hirde Computer…?" Ian asked, rather confused. He remembered seeing the said computer in the store weeks ago, and it was used only to buy stuff from supermarkets.

Deana shrugged. "G told me that the Hirde computer's functions includes helping the DC." Soon, a list sprang up, and she clicked on 'food'. "Hmm… let's get some beef and we can have beef stew tonight."

'Processing purchase… Approved. Purchase will be delivered within an hour.' The DC read.

"Don't we have to pay?"

"No, the user of the Hirde computer pays for us. It's tradition." Deana grinned. "Kind of makes you wonder which idiot bought the Hirde computer, huh?"

Then, they heard a knock on the door. "Deana? Is your brother here?"

"Yeah, Ma?"

The door opened, and a middle-aged woman entered the room. "Ian, I finally finished cleaning your biking pants. It was all soiled!"

"Oooh. You big, bad, naughty boy!" Deana poked him in the ribs, but was quickly subdued.

"But Ma, it's not my fault it rained yesterday! Blame the wet pavement that made me fall into a pool of mud!"

"Next time, be more careful. You didn't forget applying cream to your wounds, did you?"

"No. I applied them earlier."

"Okay." Their mother turned, and was about to walk out when she suddenly remembered something. "By the way, Ian. I must say I'm impressed. Your pants are still quite elastic after three weeks!"

Ian smirked. "Of course. It's spandex!"

She gave him a perplexed look, and left the room. With their mother away, the siblings turned their attention back to the DC.

"Wow! Look at the screensaver!" Deana cried.

Said screensaver featured a chibi boy with cobalt eyes and a mob of messy hair who was wearing a green tanktop and black spandex. He was standing at the top of what seemed like a very tall building. Suddenly, the chibi jumped down, falling to the ground really fast. Midway through the fall, he pulled a chord and a parachute opened, letting him land safely. The process was repeated.

"Yeah, it's cute… but I don't want to sit here and look at it all day." Ian moved the mouse despite his sister's protest, and the screensaver disappeared. He clicked on a word program, and it was up before he could even blink. "It's working really fast! Wonder why…"

"I know! I know!" Deana chirped. "G told me that the DC works at twice the normal speed when it senses spandex or hot Japanese guys within a 5-meter radius. It works even faster when spandex is worn on a Japanese boy. And since Ma threw your spandex biking pants in my room earlier…"

"Oh I see." He cocked a brow. "Now I *really* wanna meet the creators of the DC and the HC."

She nodded.

"Let me type something. Let's see…" Ian started typing. "Hey, where's the spacebar?"

"Nah, the keyboard of the DC doesn't have a spacebar. Neither does it have a full stop."

"What the-? Then how am I supposed to type?"

"Use commas, exclamation marks and question marks. There's no way to get around the no spacebar deal, so just use the 'Tab' button."

Ian sighed, saving his document.

"Hey! I don't want that document! Delete it!"

"Okay, okay. Cool it…" He pressed the 'delete' button on the keyboard. When he was prompted, he clicked 'Yes', and the document was gone. "Oh crap… That sentence I just typed… it's a great fanfic idea! I need to retrieve it. I'll delete it later, okay?"

He minimized the word program, and searched around for the recycle bin. "There's no recycle bin… Don't tell me it's this one. Salvage bin?" He clicked on it anyway. "Hey! My stuff isn't here! I know! I'll use the 'Help' function!"

"'Help' function? I don't think that's a good idea…" Deana frowned.

Ian ignored her, and typed his question into the text box. "How do I retrieve my deleted document…"

Within seconds, an answer appeared. "The DC has no recycle bin, but a salvage bin that retrieves all deleted files and sells them to the highest bidder on the Internet…"

Just as fast as the answer appeared, it was scrolled down automatically.

"Hey, I haven't finished reading it!"

When it hit the bottom of the scroll, it disappeared like a Chips More cookie [1].

"I tried telling you, Ian. The DC gives instructions at an extremely fast pace, and has the tendency to go off topic. Hence, users usually prefer to not ask. G also warned me against using it." Deana explained.

"Damn! So I guess I can't get my document back, huh?"

"I guess so…"

"Damn it!" Ian yelled, slamming his fist onto the computer desk. The DC shook, and hung there.

"Look what you did to my DC! It's jammed!"

Ian gave his sister a sorry look, and pressed the 'escape' button. "Hey, it's not working…"

Deana swapped his hand away, and hammered on the button herself. "Why isn't it working!?"

"When all else fails, reset the computer." Ian did just that, and the DC was soon usable again. "I think the 'escape' button is just there for show. It doesn't work."

"I think so too."

Ian started to leave.

"Aren't you gonna continue exploring?" Deana asked.

"Nah, I wanna get back to my fanfic. You get back to your Damn Crazy DC."

"Damn Crazy? I thought it was Direct Current!"

"My dear sis, you read too much physics! It's Damn Crazy!"

"Direct Current!"

"Damn Crazy!"

"Direct Current!"

"Damn Crazy!"

"Direct Current!"

Just before they could get into a fight, the doorbell rang. The two rushed to the door, and received the beef they had ordered earlier.

Raising their eyebrows at each other, they took the poor meat to the kitchen and started dinner.

"Give it to me! I wanna shoot it with my cannon!"

"No! Shinigami will bring it to hell with his scythe!"

"Are you crazy!? The thing's dead! Let me shoot it!"

"See Shinigami slice ya up, beef!"

Their mother entered the kitchen to see what was the ruckus about, and she thought, 'And they ask me why I have white hair before my time…'

~End of Episode 2~

[1]: I've always liked Chips More's commercial. ^^ The 'Now you see it, now you don't' was rather cute.

Sorceress Fantasia @ 3rd November 2002

Proud member of 1x2ML, GWML, HDML and SDDI


	3. A New TC

Title: GW Computer Wars Episode 3: A New TC

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: Implied 3+4

Warnings: Humor, OCs, AU (In fact, this takes place in our world)

Disclaimer: The people who own GW has the money to build an entire fleet of Leos and Virgos. Since I currently own only a book bag and some worksheets that are due really soon, that can't be me. Yeah, so I don't own GW. Star Wars and South Park does not belong to me either. Yuusuke, Hiei and Kurama from YYH who make a guest appearance in this part, belongs to their creator. Not me.

Notes: This struck me in a moment of insanity, so expect it to be stupid. This is what might happen if the GW guys manufactured their own personal computers and sold them.

Ian flopped onto the floor, completely exhausted. He had just played an exciting game of basketball with his friend, and was currently taking a well-deserved rest at his house. He caught the can of beverage his friend threw his way, and quickly gulped down the contents. Finally feeling a little better, he sighed and glanced around. His eyes fell on his friend's computer.

"Hey Irvine."

"Yeah?"

"Is that your new computer?" He asked, pointing to the metal thing sitting on the desk.

"Uh huh. Well technically, it's not new. But I just upgraded the thing, so I guess you *could* call it new." Irvine answered, moving over to switch it on.

"Upgraded?"

"Yeah, I just changed my operating system. Midii 3.0 was just too slow, so I upgraded it to Catherine 3.4 yesterday. It seems to be working pretty well, but there are some quirks I just can't understand. I'll show you later."

Ian climbed up from the floor. Grabbing a nearby chair, he sat beside his friend. "Hey… weird looking mouse you have there."

"Of course it's weird looking. It's not even a mouse. According to the guy I bought this from, it's called a cat."

"Why?"

"Because the creator of this computer, the TC, likes cats." Irvine shrugged. "Besides, this computer has an uncanny ability to tame animals, especially cats.

"How? I mean, is this the mechanical equivalent of catnip?"

"I don't know, but I think it is. When you walked into my garden, didn't you notice the German Shepard I just got? It keeps the cats out. You have no idea how irritating it is when you find a couple of cats hanging near your computer when you want to work. Last I heard, some poor guy nearly had a heart attack when he found a lion draping over his TC. Turns out that it was a runaway from a nearby circus."

Ian blinked. "Oh, so the TC represents Taming Cats?"

"No. It's the abbreviation of Thorny Cactus. See the top of the monitor?"

Ian obliged, and stood up. Peering at the top, he winced. "It looks spiky."

"Heard there was some spiky deal with the creator's hair, so there."

"You know, after seeing all the weird things my HC and my sister's DC does, I guess I'm just not all that surprised anymore by your TC." Ian commented offhandedly. Indeed, after spending two weeks exploring the two computers, he had discovered quite a few neat things about them.

"You sure? Just wait till you learn of the TC's quirks!" Irvine challenged, a wide grin plastered on his face.

As they conversed, the TC had already been fully loaded and was ready for usage.

Ian saw the wallpaper, and asked curiously, "Why is this wallpaper so strange?" Said wallpaper featured the close-up of a blonde boy with aquamarine eyes. The strange thing was that, it featured only the right side of the boy's face. The other half of the wallpaper was completely black.

"I didn't understand it at first either, and then I entered my default homepage." Irvine explained, and clicked on the Internet icon.

The homepage was titled '101 ways to use hair gel', and true to its name, it suggested many ways of using hair gel. For the first time, it dawned on Ian that the thing had uses not associated with hair. One suggestion was to use it as lube. Not just as a cure for squeaky doors, but the thing you use in bed. 'Now why didn't I ever think of that? Hmm… Let's see… Hiei wanders into Yuusuke's bathroom and finds a bottle of hairgel… Not knowing what is it, he takes it over to Kurama's… And Kurama happened to be taking a nap…' His musings could have continued, had Irvine not disturbed him.

"Hello! Earth to Ian!"

"What? What?"

"…I've been trying to get your attention for the past minute, and you just spaced out on me."

"Oh, sorry." Ian had the decency to at least blush. "Wait, I still don't understand. How is this related to the wallpaper?"

"If you had been listening, you'd know this isn't the web page I was talking about. It's the affiliated website." Irvine sighed, clicking on the link. The web page disappeared for a while, and when it reappeared, it was another one. "See this one?"

"'How to not walk into lampposts, walls etc when your bangs cover over half your face'." Ian read from the screen. "So?"

Irvine sighed again, this time more dramatic than before. "Apparently, the TC's creator's hair is not only spiky, but also covers half his face. If his hair covers half his face, of course he would see only half of everything. People included."

Ian nodded, sniggering.

Irvine disconnected from the Internet, and clicked on an icon. A new window appeared. A wide array of different types of clown suit lined the right side of the screen, while a range of masks of various shapes and sizes took up the left. A colour palette bounded the bottom, while a boy with bangs that covered part of his face stood in the middle.

"See? This program here, allows users to design their own clown suits and masks." He clarified, and he quickly chose a pair of wide, green pants and a half-mask for the boy. Clicking on the button that said 'GO!', the boy disappeared and the screen quickly changed to that of a circus.

Drums rolled, and lights glared all around in various colours. Confetti floated around, and finally, 'Virtual Circus' appeared on the screen in rainbow. That soon faded, and another sentence took its place.

"Stage 1? Irvine, is this a game? Is this THE 'Virtual Circus'?" Ian asked, wide eyed. The game was currently a hot favourite of many teenagers, and was deemed by the critics to be an excellent outlet for reliving stress. Although it didn't work as well as the S&M program in the Une computer, this was much more sane and healthier. Players just needed to shoot darts at the board, and the closer the dart is to the bull's eye, the higher the score. The little twist programmers had added was that someone was tied to the dartboard, and users had to keep shooting until that someone bit the dust.

"Yeah, it comes preinstalled in all TCs cause it was designed and developed by the creator of the TC. Didn't you know that?" Irvine answered, amusedly.

The screen had fully loaded during the course of their conversation, and Ian could see someone tied to a big dartboard, and various darts lined the arena. The victim, as Ian had come to call, was a girl with wheat coloured hair and certainly a penchant for pink. Whether it was a coincident or not, she definitely looked like the Relena Darlian found in the DC's program.

Irvine gave him a lopsided grin, and started shooting his darts... no wait, Ian blinked. His friend had always had a mischievous streak in him, and it would be abnormal of him to choose normal darts. No, he had chosen darts that were smeared with poison. That certainly explained why the victim had turned an ugly shade of green before puking and her subsequent death that included her melting into a puddle of pink goo.

'Stage 2'

Tied to the board now was a guy with a fetish for roses. Judging from the way he kicked the bucket, the darts were probably stained with arsenic.

"No, I didn't do that." Irvine pouted indignantly. "I merely dipped the darts in slime. This guy wasn't poisoned to death. He was disgusted to death."

"*Disgusted* to death?"

"And you thought it was weird for that Relena gal to die of shock just because the man she loves is gay!" Irvine laughed. "This guy here… Slime and all other dirty things are his greatest weakness! Not surprising though, knowing that he takes at least one bath in roses everyday!"

Those victims, Ian decided, were real after all.

Irvine was an expert at the game, and soon progressed to the final stage where he was pitted against a blonde girl with forked eyebrows. Although, the girl was still tied to the board.

Before he could shoot, a barrage of daggers flew across the screen and went straight to the victim's throat, forehead, tummy, limbs... and who knows what else. She gave a muffled scream, and fell limp in the confines.

Ian resisted the urge to scream 'He killed Kenny! You bastard!' Instead, he asked, "Hey, what happened?"

"No big deal, really. It happens sometimes." Irvine replied, shrugging.

A girl suddenly stormed into the circus. Dressed in what seemed to be a circus' costume, she seemed rather pretty, with brown curls and glazed blue eyes.

"That, Ian, is Catherine. She's a manifestation of my operating system. She's kinda like the nanny of the TC."

Catherine turned towards them, and glared. The words 'Get out of the circus!' appeared on the screen in bold and caps, and the computer screen blanked out.

"Damn! Not again!"

"What happened?"

"Catherine threw me out again! And the computer always jams after she does this." Irvine snapped, leaning back in his seat.

Ian frowned, and moved for the 'escape' button.

"Forget it, Ian! Catherine's gonna get mad if you press that."

"Mad?"

"Yeah. She hates the 'escape' button. Every time I use that after she shuts herself, the TC gives out this slapping sound, and a warning that goes 'Don't you dare press it!' appears on the screen. And then, the 'escape' button miraculously doesn't work anymore. For a while."

Ian nodded in understanding. "Well, at least yours is safer than mine. Mine blows up!"

"Yeah, I've heard of that one." Irvine laughed. "Oh look! The TC's running again!"

Indeed, Catherine seemed to have been finished with her temper truant, and the screen was back to normal. Well, as normal as it can get, that is.

The screensaver was playing, and Ian could make out a chibi Catherine throwing knives at another chibi girl, who resembled the last girl he had seen in the virtual circus. The former was chasing the latter all over the place, growling. The screensaver disappeared when Irvine moved the mouse, however.

"Can we check out the 'help' function? I wanna know something..." Ian asked, grinning. He had been wondering how was it like with the TC. Surely, it would be interesting to see.

"Oh sure~ Although, I'm pretty certain it's not gonna answer you." Irvine replied, smirking.

The help box appeared, but true to Irvine's words, no answered turned up when Ian typed his question. "Hey! Why isn't there an answer?"

"Oei! Which stone have you been living under? People are already talking all over town about this one!" His friend nudged his shoulder, laughing with mirth. "The TC generally ignores all American boys, especially if your hair's braided. Mostly, it just gives the silent treatment. If you want an answer, you gotta be either a Japanese or a Chinese boy. I haven't tried it with an Arabian boy. Heard it actually talks when Arabian boys use it."

Ian decided it wasn't worth it to be angry. He grabbed the mouse- err, cat, and continued exploring. "The recycle bin?"

"You can try it. Here, type something first and delete the file."

Ian obliged. Upon finishing his first sentence, he was stunned to see a dozen full stops appearing instead of the usually one. "Irvine? Care to explain?"

"Just look at the keyboard."

"…Where is the full stop?"

"There, the one you pressed earlier."

"…Irvine, that's a *dozen* full stops. I want *one* full stop."

He shrugged, and tossed a careless grin. "They come in a package, and aren't sold separately."

"What? Is this guy linguistically impaired?"

Another shrug.

Ian ignored him, and typed more. Ignoring his friend was rather easy, but the same couldn't be said for the full stops that covered nearly the whole page. Just as he was about to stop typing all together, he hit a strange button. Then, he heard a strange sound, and several machine guns aimed towards the door suddenly popped out from the sides of the TC.

"What the!?"

Irvine sighed, and pressed another button on the keyboard. The guns started shooting. "Nothing to worry. These are the special accessories of the TC called Heavyarms. I had to pay extra for them."

"Who are they shooting at?"

His friend looked towards the door, and turned back. "Currently, no one. I aimed them at the door to keep out unwanted pests when I'm on the TC. I think it's even better that your HC's self-destruct mode, since it's still in one piece after an attack."

Ian blinked dazedly, but his reverie was soon interrupted by Irvine's swearing.

"Damn it! Ammo's out again!" He slapped his forehead. "The only bad thing about this? Bullets are sold separately, and they have a tendency to run out everyday. And by gods! They're so expensive!" With another sigh, he pressed a button and the guns retracted, disappearing from sight. He sighed louder, and after a moment's silence, finally noticed Ian still staring at his TC in bewilderment.

"I thought you wanted to see the recycle bin?"

"Oh yeah..." Ian blinked again. "Erm, can I delete the file now?"

"Go ahead."

Ian hit 'delete', and the file was gone. He quickly minimized the window and went to the recycle bin, only to find no trace of his recently erased file. Instead, he found 'Chicken soup with cabbage', 'Mushroom soup' and many other files with similar names. "I can't find the file, Irvine!"  
  


"Course not. Catherine collects all deleted document, and compiles them into ingredients for her soup recipes. Last I read the instructional manuals, users are to consume the soup at their own risks."

"You sure?"

"Of course… not! C'mon! But really, Catherine does compile her own soup recipes."

"And what does she do with them?"

"You remember seeing Catherine suddenly materializing at the 'Virtual Circus'? Well, she's kinda like the torturer. Sometimes, when she appears, she kills the victim with her daggers. Other times, she feed them her soup."

"And?"

"They get food poisoning, and I won't see them for the next three rounds of the game."

Ian sweatdropped. "Anyway, where's the deleted file?"

"Oh… it's here. See? At the very bottom of the page… Here!"

"Gee, the TC isn't interesting when it comes to the recycle bin!"

"It's normal, which is a good thing because all other things are strange about this computer."

"What's stranger than the machine guns and the wallpaper?"

Irvine went off to a side of his room, and with some effort, pulled out something. "This?" He suggested, and walked back to the TC with it in hand.

"What's it?"  
  


"Knives, for me to throw at the TC when I get frustrated. It's an accessory that came along." He pushed the knives aside, and pulled out a flute and a scorebook. "I got this as a special gift because Owen and I had purchased our computers together. By the way, he bought the Quatre Computer. And look at the scorebook." He opened it up, revealing the scores that were concentrated only on the left side.

"It's the hair covering face problem again?"

"Seems so."

Ian sweatdropped harder. Shaking his head, he turned back to the TC. His eyes fell onto the 'escape' button again, and with a grin that could outmatch the Cheshire Cat. He pressed it.

Suddenly, the TC pulled free of all its cables and did a back flip in the air. It landed gracefully on Irvine's bed, right in front of Ian, and all the artillery appeared pointed at him.

It was about to shoot, but Irvine quickly took out a katana, and pointed it at the TC. It immediately stopped, and all guns retracted.

"What was that?"

"You pressed 'escape', didn't you? Escape has two possibilities. One, Catherine appears and shuts down the system. Two, it tries to shoot someone. Apparently, that equates being discovered in an infiltration, so it was trying to kill you!"

"And it stopped because you had a katana?"

"Noticed something? I'm a Chinese boy with jet-black hair, holding a katana at my computer. The TC wouldn't stop any other way." Irvine replied smugly, if not a little crossly.

Sorceress Fantasia @ 8th November 2002

Proud member of 1x2ML, GWML, HDML, SDDI


	4. The QC Strikes Back

Title: GW Computer Wars Episode 4: The QC Strikes Back

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: Implied 3x4, 1+2

Warnings: Humor, mild Relena bashing, OCs, AU (In fact, this takes place in our world)

Disclaimer: The people who own GW has the money to build an entire fleet of Leos and Virgos. Since I currently own only a book bag and some worksheets that are due really soon, that can't be me. Yeah, so I don't own GW. Star Wars, Toyarus and the Dummy Guide series do not belong to me either.

Notes: This struck me in a moment of insanity, so expect it to be stupid. This is what might happen if the GW guys manufactured their own personal computers and sold them.

Special thanks: To SS. (for the pastel colour idea) and d_copper (for the tendency towards self-guilt idea)

Thanx to all of you reading too!

Owen frowned when he heard his mother yelling at him from the bottom of the stairs. Before he could react, the door to his room had been flung open and his two friends marched in much like it was their own room.

"Ian? Irvine? Why are you two here?" He asked, turning away from his literature book.

Irvine smirked. "Why? Can't we come over for a little fun?"

"Well, he told me that you own a QC. I wanted to see it." Ian replied as he nudged his companion.

"Yeah, I've heard that you have a HC and Deana has the DC. After playing around with my QC, I guess I'd like to know what they are like too." Owen nodded. "Come, I'll show you mine first."

Ian and Irvine flopped onto his bed and turned expectant eyes on him. Owen shrugged, got up from his cushioned seat, dragged Ian to the computer, and sat down on his own bed. "Feel free to explore. I wanna see you get freaked out by my oh, so awesome cutesy."

"Cutesy?" They asked in chorus, both wincing.

"Well, it's abbreviated is QC. My sis thought it would be neat to call it cutesy since the computer is in pastel pink and purple. The name kinda stuck." Owen answered, without a blink. "Anyway, I thought it's Quite Cunning. You'll see why later."

His American friend gave a silly laugh, and turned to the computer. "Oh my god! Five buttons on the mouse?"

"What?!" Irvine exclaimed, and he quickly clamoured up to see it. "You're right! It does have five buttons!"

"Of course it has five buttons. The creator meant for us to use all five fingers and in turn, use the mouse more effectively."

Ian blinked. "Well, I'll be damned! Hey Owen, can we exchange our mouse?"

"Sure… the day I'll exchange it with you is the day Irvine's 'cat' pounces and eats up your mouse."

"Gee… you didn't have to be so mad…" Ian pouted, and bent down to switch on the QC. It loaded pretty fast, and when the screen came up, he laughed so hard he fell off his chair.

Irvine laughed at his friend's antics, but when he saw the screen for himself, he too, fell onto the floor, clenching his stomach. "Oh my god! Your operating system is Losers 4000?" They laughed harder.

Owen glared at the two rolling idiots on the floor, resisting the urge to roll them with his carpet. "C'mon! I'm short of cash! So what if my operating system is the pirated version? It works just as well!"

"What? The original has a different name?"  
  


"Yeah, it's called Winners 4000. For reasons no one but the Winner cooperation know, all pirated versions always appear as Losers 4000 in computers."

"Probably because only losers like you use pirated software [1]!" Irvine laughed harder, clenching his stomach tightly as tears rolled down his cheeks. Ian laughed his agreement. They stopped only when they had to beg Owen to let them out of the Arabian carpet.

The computer had been fully loaded in the midst of their laughter and jokes, and Ian eventually climbed back onto the chair once he calmed himself down. He balked when he saw the screen. "Anti-virus programs are up and running. Firewalls are up and running." He read aloud. "Why are those programs in plural form? How many do you have?"

Owen shrugged smugly. "Well, the QC comes preinstalled with 40 firewalls and 29 anti-virus programs. Guaranteed safety!"

Irvine nearly fell off the bed again, this time in shock. "Why so many?"

"I heard the QC was modeled after the heir to the Winner fortune. So I guess he must have a lot of bodyguards…"

"But 69?"

"Well, I don't know." He shrugged. "It's just one of the special privileges of the QC. Another accessory that came along was the violin, since Irvine bought his TC along with my QC.

Ian sweatdropped. Life was definitely different when one was rich. "Let's see your preinstalled special program then." He said, laughing inside when he remembered Losers 4000. Hopefully, the program was funnier than the operating system.

A window popped up with the words, 'Do you want anything?'

"I haven't pressed anything yet? What is this?"

"The QC's being polite. If you don't want anything, just ignore it. The message tends to pop up every once in a while."

"What can I want?"

"A beverage stand?" Owen suggested, and he leaned over to his computer, typing his request. The CD tray came out of the CPU.

"That," Irvine asked, pointing to the tray, "is the beverage stand?"

"Yeah. But I don't wanna use it. It could break." Owen replied, and pushed it back.

Ian and Irvine looked at each other. And sweatdropped. They turned their attention to the QC again.

"Nice wallpaper. Can you send it to me via email? You remember my email addy right? It's perfect_soldier@sshole.com, okay?"

Irvine whistled too. "Nice! Can I have it too? My email addy is mute@presence_of_american_boys.com, you remember?"

The said wallpaper featured a banged boy shackled to a wall, with a wide array of toys, not the ones you see in Toyarus mind you.

Owen agreed, in exchange for the HC's wallpaper.

That settled, Ian clicked on the special program icon, and the screen blanked out. It soon came back, with a pastel pink font that said 'Dummies' Guide to being a diplomat and peacemaker in arguments'. The American boy looked suspiciously at the title page, before he finally proceeded. True to its namesake, it was a book in program form that taught users the basics of being a diplomat and peacemaker.

Irvine pushed him away, and took the seat. He read, "If an American boy and a Chinese boy are fighting over the last piece of French toast at breakfast, grab the toast and eat it yourself. Then tell them, 'See? You don't have to fight anymore. I've just solved your problem.' Remember to turn on doe eyes and bat them."

"I think that's a killer. Wonder who can actually pull it off." Owen noted, smirking at Ian who was now muttering under his breath and getting up from the floor. "That program is nothing. The interesting thing is my new program, the one I got after I sent the QC for repairs."

"Yours had to go for repairs too? Whoa!!!" Irvine asked, then shouted as he was abruptly pushed off the chair.

Ian quickly reclaimed the seat. "Where's the program?"

"The icon below the Dummies' Guide."

He clicked on it, and the QC flared up. A pack of tarot cards flew out from the side of the screen, and started to line up. "What is this?" Ian asked, then was put into a trance. "I see my enemy… must destroy… Irvine's TC…"

"HEY!"

Owen shrugged absently, walked over to Ian, and shook him hard. "Wake up."

Ian was shocked out of his trance. "What… What happened?"

"The forecasting program probably affected you. You're amazing, Ian. You're supposed to wear the ZERO helmet before you'll enter a trance. I haven't even got a motorcycle helmet anywhere in this house!" Owen laughed, flopping down back onto his bed.

"ZERO helmet?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "That special program is the ZERO system. I got it only after my QC came back from repairs. I called the company help line, and they said it's a special quirk of the QC."

"And what exactly happened to your QC?"

"Well, my Fatherboard got fried."

"Fatherboard?" Ian and Irvine blinked.

"Fatherboard." Owen parroted. "It's the equivalent of other computers' motherboard."

They sweatdropped. Deciding that the program was too hazardous, Ian quickly shut it down. He clicked on the Internet icon instead. "Your default homepage?" He asked disinterestedly.

Owen took a peek, and nodded. "Yeah. Haven't changed it."

"Why? What's wrong with it?" Irvine grabbed an extra chair and scooted up to the QC as close as he could. "…You sure have an interesting homepage. '101 ways to kill remember everyone's names, especially your family's'. Sounds like the creator of the website has got a lot of names to remember."

"I think he does." Ian remarked, reading the introductory paragraph. It seems that this web master has got a very big family, and a whole horde of bodyguards and friends. If you wanna include his business associates, that's even more. Ahh… rich people." He clicked on the banner of the affiliate page.

"'How to escape punishment and have things done your way'." Irvine read off the screen, "Rule number one… Never forgot the smile, the pout and the doe eyes. Rule number two… When all else fails, remind others of the existence of Zero system. For best results, remind them with a smile and an unholy gleam in your eyes."

"There's only those two rules in the entire website!" Ian exclaimed, scrolling up and down and page for traces of any links.

Owen shrugged. "Why do you need more when you have rule number two?"

"Point taken." Irvine nodded.

After some more dallying on the Internet, Ian logged off and clicking on a word program. "Let me save something and delete it. I wanna see how the recycle bin works for the QC."

"Is it just me or do you have an unholy obsession with recycle bins? Deana has complained to me about you always deleting your documents on the HC." Irvine sighed dramatically.

"C'mon. I just get a kick from listening my HC say 'omae o korosu' to me."

"…You do know that 'omae o korosu' means 'I will kill you', right?"

"Of course. I'm not an American who takes language classes for nothing, ya know."

"…I'm just glad he isn't a wheat colour haired airhead and ditz who shouts, "Come and kill me!" on a cliff." Irvine muttered under his breath, and Owen just nodded.

Ian, not having heard that, pulled out the keyboard tray [2] from Owen's computer desk. "Owen, where's the *keyboard*?"

The said boy just gave him a bored look. "The QC has no keyboard," He tuned out Ian's frustrated groan and continued, "because there's no need for one. It has a special program called 'Ucchi no kokoro', or 'Space heart' if you want it in English, that takes the place of a mere keyboard."

"So how do you use it?"

"Just think of what you want to write, and it will appear on the document."

"Holy cow! It really works! Oh no, that came out on the document too…"

Owen frowned. "Of course. I run, I hide…"

"…but you never lie. Yeah, yeah, we know that." Irvine shrugged. "Honestly, of all things you could have picked up, did you have to pick up the Maxwell Company's slogan?"

The interrupted boy would have argued his case for his adoration of the slogan, but he was interrupted yet again by Ian.

"Hey Owen. How do I backspace?"

"You can't. The Space Heart picks up all thoughts, and tries to do things to rectify it. There's no way you can take back your thoughts."

"Fine then. But words that I'm not thinking appeared as well. Words like 'Thank you', 'Please' and 'Sorry' are appearing in nearly every sentence!"

"Well… the Space Heart also helps users to proofread the document, and automatically adds polite phrases like those. If you save the document, you'll find something else at the bottom of the document."

Ian used the mouse and saved it. Scrolling to the bottom, he raised an eyebrow at the extra sentence that had just appeared. "Does it always do this?"

"Yeah."

"What? What did it do?" Irvine scrambled to his chair again. "'If anything is wrong with this document, it's all my fault. – QC'… Polite guy, ain't he?"

Owen and Ian both nodded concurrently.

Irvine reached over to grab the mouse, and quickly deleted the document. For his efforts, he received a glare from Ian.

"Stop glaring at me like that!"

"I have to practice my Glare of Doom. Learnt it from a new program I got when I upgraded my HC." Ian snatched the mouse back.

Owen was lamenting over the fact that he couldn't practice being a diplomat by eating the mouse. He wasn't a cat after all. He would have continued bemoaning when Ian shouted for the lack of a recycle bin in the QC.

"C'mon Ian. The Winner Cooperation made the QC. Do you think those rich people know what is recycling [3]? Do they even have a need for that?" He replied neutrally, grabbing his pillow.

"I don't *believe* this… I'm asking the computer." Ian did just it, and was stunned when he saw forty answers for his simple question.

"It's always like this. No matter what you ask, you'll always get back forty answers. The only good thing is that all forty answers refer you to as 'Master'." Owen lay down on the bed, looking at his friends while lying sideways.

"Forget about the recycle bin, Ian. I wanna see the screensaver." Irvine ignored his friend's protests with an offhanded statement, "Chinese boys are immune to Glare of Dooms." And he pressed all five buttons on the mouse before finally finding the correct one to bring up the screensaver window. He clicked for a preview.

The screen went black, and he could only see a chibi boy with blonde hair and aquamarine eyes sweeping the floor forlornly. He was dressed in what seemed like a ragged shirt and pants, and covered in the dust that was flying everywhere. Suddenly, a blonde girl with forked eyebrows and a girl with wheat-coloured hair marched out, decked in their elegant clothing, and started to literally push the poor boy around. A woman who has two buns on her head came onto the screen next, seemingly calling for the two wicked girls. The three women left together on a carriage, and entered the palace for a ball, stated so clearly by a signboard with spray paint. As the blonde boy watch them leave, he started to cry. All of a sudden, a boy with a chestnut braid materialized next to him and with a wave of his hair, the blonde boy and himself were both seated in a golden carriage, dressed in the most stylish clothes, and chauffeured off to the palace as well. At the palace, the braided one was quickly snatched up by a Japanese boy leering at him, while the blonde boy was approached by a boy with brown bangs that covered part of his face. Coincidentally, he also had a crown on his head. They danced and danced, and finally, the prince proposed. The next thing they knew, the blonde boy and the prince were in a church, exchanging wedding rings. The braided boy and the Japanese boy were sitting inside the church, kissing with their hands all over each other. A Chinese boy sat close to them, hands crossed and pouting. At the same time, outside the gates of the church, the blonde girl and the wheat-coloured hair girl were clamoring for a way in while fending off the royal guards.

Irvine yawned. "Wow. That sure is a long screensaver."

"Cinderella without the details." Owen said, finally seating up.

"And the glass slippers." Ian rubbed his eyes. "Now, can we try out the 'escape' button?" He asked, but had already selected it via the mouse.

"NO!!!!" Owen yelled, leaping up in surprise. He knocked both his friends over in his haste, and seized the mouse. But it was too late. A warning exclamation mark had already appeared on the screen.

"Damn! It's too late! Run!" He shouted, dragging his two confused friends along.

A minute later, they heard a 'boom' and smoke wafted down the stairs. The three raced back to the room, only to see a destroyed QC and a slightly burnt computer desk.

"MY QC!!!!!" Owen cried, falling to his knees. "Ian, you idiot!!!! I told you not to do that! You only 'escape' when you're cornered by enemies!"

"Hey, aren't you supposed to say, 'Arigatou, QC'? Huh, aren't you? Aren't you?" Irvine asked, wide-eyed.

"SHUT UP!!!"

~End of Episode 4~

[1]: I hope no one is offended by this one. ^^;

[2]: You know, that tray under the computer desk that slides in and out? It's for the keyboard. I just can't seem to remember its name…

[3]: No offense to any rich people and people who don't practice recycling. ^^;;

Sorceress Fantasia @ 12th November 2002

Proud member of 1X2ML, GWML, HDML, SDDI


	5. Return of the WC

Title: GW Computer Wars Episode 5: Return of the WC

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: Implied 5+S, 5+M, 13+5, 6+5, 1x2, 3x4

Warnings: Humor, OCs, AU (In fact, this takes place in our world)

Disclaimer: The people who own GW has the money to build an entire fleet of Leos and Virgos. Since I currently own only a book bag and some worksheets that are due really soon, that can't be me. Yeah, so I don't own GW. Star Wars, the Dummy series, the Idiot's series, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon movie and Indiana Jones do not belong to me either.

Notes: This struck me in a moment of insanity, so expect it to be stupid. This is what might happen if the GW guys manufactured their own personal computers and sold them.

Special thanks: Zalia Chimera (for the '101 curses to use on annoying Americans' and the 'Sword fighting for Dummies' ideas), Gwynn (for the swords idea), SS. (for the Trieze connection) and Tara (for the 'justice on the keyboard' and 'Martial arts' idea). Thanks again to Tara for pointing out a really dumb error my eyes failed to see. ^^;;

Deana eyed the room with trepidation. If it weren't for the fact that that idiot of a brother and his posse had taken their house 'hostage', she wouldn't have to be here. She could have been happily using her DC for her school project. But no~! Ian just *had* to bring both Owen and Irvine to their house and create such a ruckus she couldn't concentrate on her work.

Which led to her being in her friend's house.

She sighed. Not that getting into Timothy's room was bad, though. Deana had long wanted to see how the school's top student's room looked like. To her utter disappointment, it was a fairly normal room, with some posters of the popular anime series 'Gundam Wing'.

Ah well. At least there was still the infamous (if not scary) Wufei Computer.

Timothy swung open his door, and made a beeline for his computer. He stopped right in front of it, and put his hands together like he was praying, and bowed. He then flicked on the switch.

Deana was definitely wide-eyed as she asked, "Tim, what was that for?"

"A ritual, so I don't incur the wrath of Sally 5.6."

"And Sally 5.6 is?"

"The operating system. It used to be Meiran 5.0, and then it broke down. When I got it back from repairs, Meiran 5.0 just couldn't be reinstalled for reasons I still don't understand, and someone recommended me Sally 5.6. It's supposed to be better since it can be reinstalled again and again, and it just generally kicks ass. " Timothy explained absently, eyes glued onto his screen. "The repair guy told me that the reason why it broke down is because I didn't perform a ritual. So I'm carrying the ritual over to Sally 5.6."

"Oh." Deana looked positively bewildered.

The computer finally loaded up, and the wallpaper left her rather mystified again. It featured a picture of a red and blue robot standing on an altar, with joss sticks, a roast pig and chicken offered as sacrifices. "What is this?" She pointed to the machine.

"Nataku." Timothy answered, seemingly shocked to know that she didn't know what it was. "It signifies… *justice*." He placed a heavy emphasize on the last word, like he was awed by the sheer sound of it.

She decided not to ask anymore. It was a good idea, actually. Timothy, apart from having a great passion for the academics and all other things related to books, was notorious for his love for ranting. Once he got into the mood, he could go non-stop for hours. Deana had once witnessed his prowess in school, when he had ranted on the injustice of having to be lab partners with a certain chestnut haired guy.

Luckily, that guy had a good sense of humour and didn't take it badly… but revenge was the name of the game, and he was just a little too playful. That rant plus the personality of that chestnut haired guy marked the legendary start of a prank-fight between the two. The repairman who told Timothy to perform the ritual was probably bribed. Or maybe Timothy was just delusional. Crazy people had that tendency.

"Justice… that's what makes my precious so special."

She blinked. "Precious?"  
  


"My computer is such a precious little thing, isn't it?"

She sweatdropped. "I thought it's the WC."

"Yeah, that's the official name. But it sounds so crude."

"Oh, you mean it sounds like a water closet slash toilet? Or because it's been dubbed 'Weekly Constipation' by WC haters? I think both works well." Deana said, hoping that she looked like a doe batting her eyes, and not like a face that looked like it needed some bashing in.

"Don't be silly. Precious is a much better name." He said as he stood up. "Deana, I have to go now to get something from the nearby grocery store for my mum. Damn near forgot about it. You start on the project first."

"Okay." She was hesitant, but it was a good opportunity to explore the computer. That thought alone calmed her, and she tried to grab the mouse, 'tried' being the operative word here. "Tim, where's the mouse?"

"Technically speaking, there isn't any. The WC doesn't come with a mouse. It comes with a mousetrap. Users have to buy their own cheese. I quote the instructional manual, 'Catch your own mouse, weakling!'" 

What was the deal about the creators of some computers that went so far as to take a mouse so literally? It was so cheesy she had to roll her eyes. "So what now?" 

"Use the touch-pad on the keyboard. It's that black patch with two buttons [1]? That's the equivalent for a mouse. Guide the arrow with your finger." He suggested, then fled down the stairs with a jacket and his wallet.  
  


Deana shrugged. It was better this way. And now for some major exploring... She could almost hear the Indiana Jones theme song playing in the room. That is, until a loud sound blasted out of the sound blasters and she nearly fell over in the chair. However, she did delete something from the screen.

"Onna! Get away from me! Onna! Get away from me! Onna! Get away from me! Onna! Get away from me! Onna! Get away from me!"

Before she knew it, Timothy had returned and he quickly put his fingers on the keyboard. The sound ceased immediately.

"What was that!?"

He had the decency to blush. "I'm sorry, Deana. I forgot about this… strange habit of Precious since I'm the only one using it. The WC puts the sound file 'Onna! Get away from me!' on auto repeat and full blast when it senses a female trying to use it. But don't worry since it's easily countered. Just turn off the blasters." And he did so. "The WC will use the internal speakers though if a female uses it for more than an hour. I'll be back before that."

"Wait! Tim, I just deleted one of your icons, when the WC shocked the hell out of me. Where's the recycle bin? I'll try to recover it."

"Forget it, Deana. Precious does not have a recycle bin, because the creator believes that only wimps recycle things, and that a true man does not take back what he has thrown away. It's amazing, I know. I'll just recreate the icon later. In the meantime…" 

That said, Timothy ran off again.

Deana glared at the WC. She logged onto the Internet anyway, to find some more information for their project work. The homepage turned up. It was a recommendation site for good books. The first book was titled '101 curses to scream at annoying American' written by Shenlong. And another was titled 'The injustice of being called Wu-bear, Wu-chan, Wuffles, Fei-chan, Wu-baby, Fei and Wu-buttercup', also by Shenlong.

She took down the website address mentally; she was pretty sure she could use the first book on her brother. And she clicked on the affiliate page. "… 'Sword fighting and martial arts for dummies'? What kinda website is this?" She scrolled downwards, only to see a whole list of moves. Some had fairly short names, such as 'Lightning Stab', while others had really long names. 'How to take three people down in hand-to-hand combat in less than a minute' was one such example. Curiously, she clicked on the first one, named 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon [2]'.

The new page loaded fairly quickly, and she soon saw a couple of pictures showing how the moves were made. She nearly fell off the chair again, this time from laughing. The move was executed as per its name. There were only four steps. One, disguise yourself as a tiger. Two, crouch down. Three, disguise yourself as a dragon. Four, hide yourself.

Still laughing, she clicked on the back button. Scrolling to the very bottom, she sweatdropped when she saw the name of the last move. " 'How to be defeated by your foe and finally know that you are weak'." She clicked on it and read the instructions. "One, challenge a foe with ginger hair and forked eyebrows. Two, fight him with a saber while he has a fencing foil. Three, you have lost." At the bottom was a P.S. "By the way, this wondrous move is contributed by D. Maxwell."

That name sounded vaguely familiar, but she couldn't remember who it was. Ah well. Deana had a feeling that the web master could really refer to the book '101 curses to scream at annoying American'. It was probably for international usage, anyway.

The mood to do extra research completely gone, Deana went ahead to activate the special programs that came exclusively with the WC. When she clicked on one of them, the screen blanked out. The screen was then filled with words that shot out from inside, and upon closer look, they were all 'Justice' in various fonts, colours and sizes. The screen then faded, and Deana found herself inside in what was called a 'Justice Hall'. Many buttons filled the sides of the hall, such as justice songs, justice odes, justice limericks, justice dances, and justice rhymes. She selected justice quotes.

" 'There is no justice. - Shenlong'… Gee, what a creative fellow…" She muttered, and backtracked. Deana then clicked on Justice Shrine, and the screen changed to that of a Chinese temple. Entering it, she saw an altar with a statue. Looking closer, she recognized it to be the red and blue robot in the wallpaper. At the top of the altar, a name was written: Nataku. At the sides were numerous buttons.

Deana clicked on the one with a chicken on it, and a live chicken appeared on screen. An option came up: Offer the chicken to Nataku? Of course, she chose 'yes', and after that was a series of options. By the time it ended, she had chosen for the fowl to be de-feathered, cooked, placed on a golden plate and decorated with some garnish. As she explored a bit more, she discovered that she could also offer fruits, other animals and joss sticks to Nataku.

Finally bored, she exited the program and decided to start on the project after all. Grabbing her backpack, she dug out her notes and went through them. When she got to the numbers, she started to feel that something was awry. Surely, there was a calculation error!

Wanting to correct the mistake, she decided to use the WC's calculator, since she had left hers at home. Pulling out the keyboard, she searched for the weird part. It was, after all, very convenient to. After using both the HC and DC, and hearing about TC and QC, she knew there was some peculiarity about all these keyboards. And she was determined to find them all.

It didn't take her too long to find WC's, for they were just too obvious. On the very left part of the keyboard, there were several special buttons with the words 'Onna', 'Weakling' 'Injustice', and 'Justice', and all of them were in caps. There was also one particular button that had lots of exclamation marks. It was probably used to scream at others.

Shrugging, she started to redo some parts of her notes. All went well, until she entered 1 x 2 instead of 1.2. Having nothing better to do, she clicked on the equal sign anyway, and found out that the calculator had a tad bit of problems. The answer was supposed to be 2 as all kids who have gone to school should know (or perhaps even those who never went), but the answer that came up on the screen was… strange. It was in letters, and it was 'LOVE'.

Raising an eyebrow, she tried some others. Some time later, she concluded the errors made. 1 x 2 equaled 'LOVE', as did 3 x 4. 13 x 5 equals to 'HELP!', while 6 x 5 equals 'NO!'. What a strange thing. Even stranger was that 5 x 13 and 5 x 6 equaled 'MAYBE…'

Just as she was about to try 5 x 5, Timothy returned.

"Hey Deana!"

"Oh, you're back. Got the thing your mum wanted?"

"Yeah. Now we can start with our project." He replied, and walked off to his cupboards to retrieve his notes.

Deana turned back to the computer, only to see the screensaver being activated. It featured a chibi Chinese boy with a tight ponytail running away from two other chibis. One had long blonde hair, and apparently, a fetish for metal masks. The other, had ginger coloured hair, and an obsession with roses. It was rather cute; too bad Timothy wanted to start the project.

So she clicked on a word program. Just for the sake of typing, she typed some random stuff that came to her mind. After all that surprise she had gotten from the WC, she was too lazy to be bothered when the text came on screen in Chinese calligraphy style. However the creator had managed to change English words into that form was another mystery.

The project went on smoothly. For a while at least. Knowing full well that their project, which was in fact a report, was going to be finished in time, both started to relax. As Deana typed in a paragraph from their handwritten draft copy, she asked, "Hey, Tim. Did you get any accessories with the WC?"

"Precious."

"Erm, right. Your precious." She agreed absently, if not a little disgustedly. "So, did you or did you not?"

He thought for a moment. "Yea. But I'm pretty upset I didn't get the DC together with Precious. If I did, I'd have gotten a can of spray remover and a pair of scissors as well. Though I really understand why are they giving spray remover and a pair of scissors with the DC. I mean, do the creators want me to cut something on the DC? And…"

"So, what did you get? Since you so obviously didn't get the sprat remover and the scissors." Deana quickly interrupted. She wasn't in the mood to hear him rant.

"Oh!" He got off his chair, and dug around in one his cupboards. He eventually found what he wanted, and handed them to Deana.

"What is this?" She exclaimed, examining the doll and miniature knives in her hands. The doll had forked eyebrows, ginger hair and was decked out in a blue and white suit that looked fit for a general. All in all, a pretty good-looking doll. The miniature knives… looked more like katanas under closer observation.

"It's a voodoo doll? And those mini katanas act as needles for me to torture the doll."

"Erm Tim? Why are all the katanas concentrated at the groin? Wait, I don't think I wanna know…" She winced, and handed the things back. "Keep it, for god's sake."

She turned back to the WC and continued on typing. Hitting a snag, she instinctively reached for the 'escape' button. Finding an empty spot where it was supposed to be, she asked, "Hey Tim, where's the 'escape' button? I can't find it."

"I quote again, from the instructional manual, 'Running is for weaklings!' So no, there is no 'escape' button. Unless you severe one of Precious' cables, and Precious will propel backwards, though I think that's thinking 'escape' to be a little too literal." Timothy shrugged.

Deana rolled her eyes, much too lazy to be bothered by such a crazy idea. Instead, she clicked for help from the WC, although she wasn't expecting too much from it.

Not too far away from her line of thoughts, the screen quickly flashed a sentence. "What the hell!? 'Put me back in the box and return me to the PC shop, weakling.' Hmph! I hate the WC."

"How can you say that? Precious is one of the best computers in the world!" He exclaimed. "Just look at the performance of Precious and you'll know!"

"C'mon, Tim. What else is the WC good at other than justice-spouting, Nataku-worshipping, onna-calling and weakling-hating?" She retorted.

Coincidentally, the internal speakers blared to life. "Onna! Get away from me! Onna! Get away from me! Onna! Get away from me!"

"Otoko! Shut the hell up! Otoko! Shut the hell up! Otoko! Shut the hell up!" She yelled back, and slapped the monitor. Still pouting, she kicked the CPU that was on the ground. If it wasn't for Timothy's interference, she was sure she would have hit it a lot harder.

"STOP!!! Deana, stop hitting my Precious!"

Whether it was just a quirk, or a lesson well learnt, the WC quieted down.

"See? I may be a woman, but I can still kick your ass!" And with that, she left the house in a much happier mood than before, after asking Tim to finish typing the rest of the report.

Strangely enough, the WC never used the 'Onna! Get away from me!' sound file ever again. Instead, it blared 'Otoko! Shut the hell up!' in an undeniably female voice every time Tim typed 'onna' in the computer, and he could sometimes see a chibi woman with two twisted ponytails shouting that.

~End of Episode 5~

[1]: I know this is more commonly found on laptops, but I did have one of these on my last keyboard. Besides, this is Wufei's computer we're talking about. It's special. ^^

[2]: Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon in Chinese actually means someone with talents, with incredible skills hiding somewhere or never meddling in the affairs of the pugilistic world so as to sorta keep it a secret and avoid unnecessary trouble like others asking for help. It's kinda living like a hermit. I was so weirded out when I saw the literal translation in English. ^^;;

Sorceress Fantasia @ 28th November 2002

Last revised 1st December 2002

Proud member of 1X2ML, GWML, HDML, SDDI


	6. Special DC installment

Title: GW Computer Wars Episode 6: Special DC installment

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: implied 1x2

Warnings: Humor, OCs, AU (In fact, this takes place in our world), Relena bashing

Disclaimer: The people who own GW has the money to build an entire fleet of Leos and Virgos. Since I currently own only a book bag and some worksheets that are due really soon, that can't be me. Yeah, so I don't own GW.

Note: This struck me in a moment of insanity, so expect it to be stupid. This is what might happen if the GW guys manufactured their own personal computers and sold them.

"Hi Stanley!" Ian said, waltzing into his friend's room. Well, technically, it was Owen's brother's room, but hey, Stanley was a good friend too.

"Hey man! It's been a while since I last saw you!" Stanley replied, turning around in his chair. He gestured to his bed, and Ian and his younger brother flopped onto it carelessly. "What brings you here all of a sudden?"

Ian smirked. "Nothing much. But Owen told me about your new computer, and I just couldn't resist the urge to come and take a peek. What's it anyway?"

"Deana has got the DC, right? Well, the one I just bought is the newest version of the DC. It's got quite a few new features, from what I heard."

Owen nodded. "Right. I went online and searched around the official website of the Maxwell Company, and it explains that there's quite a bit of differences in the two versions. There are new pre-installed programs, new components, new accessories and new abilities."

"That many new stuff? Oh, Deana is gonna be so upset when I tell her about this," Ian sighed melodramatically, much like the ill-fated female protagonist of some old soap opera. "She shouldn't have bought her DC so soon."

"Ian, don't bully Deana," Stanley advised, "You'll be at the losing end when she whines about it to your parents."

He groaned, recalling the time when Deana had complained about him refusing to return her purse. In the end, their parents had confiscated his wallet and all the money inside. It was just so unfair; obviously, their parents preferred a girl. "Don't remind me, or I may be tempted to actually do it. My parents can't take away my HC!"

Owen sniggered.

"So," Ian pushed himself off the bed, "can I explore your DC now?"

Stanley shrugged, and vacated his seat nonchalantly. "Go ahead."

Ian plopped himself onto the cushioned chair, and eyed the new DC warily. Vaguely, he wondered if the DC would finally have a functioning 'escape' button. Would it explode like his beloved HC now? Then he brushed the idea off. Owen had damn near murdered him when his QC had exploded; he would probably carry out that threat if his brother's brand new DC blew up in his face now. And no one would ever find all his body parts if Owen went Zero on him.

It was better to try out the new programs, he mused. Safer too. "Hey, what new programs are there?"

"Try the last three icons on my desktop," Stanley answered.

Ian obliged, and clicked on the first one. The screen blanked out, and soon, a line of text scrolled across the screen. It read, 'The Study of Japanese Boys' body language'. Now that intrigued Ian, because as far as he knew, the creator of HC was of Japanese descent. Why would the DC have this program pre-installed? Added to the free condoms and lubricant given if the HC and DC were bought together, and the virtual Kama Sutra, Ian was seriously thinking if the creators of the HC and DC were involved, one way or another.

The text disappeared, and a book materialized on the screen. It flipped open on its own accord, and settled on a page. There was the title of the program on the top left corner, and a search box appeared below it. The right page of the book-like screen was empty.

"Just type anything. Any actions," Owen prompted.

"Okay…" Ian said, and typed 'raise an eyebrow'.

Almost immediately, a list of results appeared below the search box. Ian clicked on the first one. "If said action is directed at a friend, it means that whatever suggestion the friend had just said is completely stupid, irrelevant and should be immediately discarded," he read.

He clicked on the next one, and the explanation appeared on the right 'page' of the screen. "If said action is directed at someone who has shown contempt at the Japanese boy or his companions, it means that the 'someone' should book a room with the nearest hospital, or if the contempt is especially offensive, he should also call up his lawyer and have his will written."

Another click. "If said action is directed at female blonde airheads, especially those whose name starts with R and dresses in all pink, it means the blonde is sinfully irritating and should be carted away immediately. Else, the place may get wrecked in a matter of minutes with the usage of a gun or two. And everyone in the area should start running away if there is a bazooka nearby."

The last option, which was if the action was directed at American boys with braided chestnut hair, meant that the Japanese boy probably wanted to do something that needed an extraordinary amount of lubricant.

Ian raised his eyebrow.

"You're not Japanese, ya know?" Owen drawled, and Stanley stifled a laugh.

Ian just glared at them via the screen, typing another action into the search box. However, he soon found out that it was the same; while the actions usually meant nothing good to others, they all meant something… sexual with regards to 'American boys with braided chestnut hair'. Now Ian finally understood why a box of condoms and lubricants came free of charge with the purchase of both the HC and DC.

Suddenly, a little icon started to blink. "Stanley, what's this mean?"

Stanley peered over his shoulder. "Oh! It's an update! Well, new actions are occasionally added to this program, as soon as the creator of the DC has more of them. And he just includes the new action into the program, and we get updates! Pretty cool, huh?"

Ian blinked at him. "Yeah, real cool…"

With a short and crisp request, Ian downloaded the update. However, he had gotten bored with the program already, and shut it off. Staring at the next icon suspiciously, he double clicked on it. The screen, like before, blanked out, and the words '101 pet names to call Chinese boys' popped out.

"What is this?" Ian asked incredulously.

"Apparently, the creator of the DC likes playing pranks on Chinese boys. It's cute, if you ask me," Stanley replied.

Ian was suddenly relieved that Irvine wasn't here with him. If he had, he'd probably kick up the biggest fuss he could manage over the program. Then again, he could still use whatever this program taught him to go ruffle Irvine's feathers. He smiled evilly over that thought.

The program finished loading, and like the previous program, the screen was shaped like an opened book. On the left page was a set of instructions.

"All the pet names that are given are in no way meant to hurt, unless the Chinese boy has a fragile heart, in which case it is better to not use this program. In other cases, please feel free to use them to pester your Chinese friend. However, also take heart that all the pet names should not be used on females, as they will very likely put laxatives in your coffee at the earliest possible chance. And one more thing to note: before you start calling all these, it is highly recommended that you are able to run at least 5 kilometers to get away from the irate boy who may be wielding his katana. You are also advised to purchase a bullet-proof vest if the Chinese boy owns a gun."

Ian noted them all; he would have to be careful about using them on Irvine later. Irvine had a katana and a set of knives that came with his TC, but Ian was pretty sure he had no gun. That was a good thing, because that meant that he only had to train up to run the 5 km, and that his bank account was seriously running low on funds.

"And just to make it easier on users, all the pet names will be applied on a common (we think) Chinese name: 'Wufei'. The name has no special meaning to it, except to anyone who coincidentally has this name. If so, the Maxwell Company sincerely apologizes… well, not really."

They all smirked.

"Let's see the first one. Fei-chan. Wu-chan. Wu-baby. Wu-bear. Wu-buttercup. Wuffles. Fei… Wow, there's quite a lot of them… It'll take me loads of time to copy or remember all these… Hey, Stanley. Can I just download the program into my HC?"

Stanley shook his head. "Nah. This program can't be downloaded into any other computers or even copied. I heard it's because the creator of the DC's worried that the program would end up in a WC. Says it'd crash."

Ian pouted disappointedly. "Damn, and I was so hoping to use them on Irvine."

"Better not," Owen cut in. "Irvine has a katana, and he's not afraid to use it on you. 'Sides, he's on the school track team. You'd never outrun him, and before we know it, you'd end up in pieces. I think he sharpens his katana on a weekly basis. How else does it look so sharp every time I see it?"

"Point taken," Ian's voice came out much like a squeak. He had forgotten about that.

"Too bad the new DC doesn't come with body armor…" Owen said. "Otherwise, you might still have a chance."

Stanley reached under his bed, and pulled out something. "Oh yes it does. When I bought the DC, they gave me a body plate. It's supposedly to protect the abdomen from punches at that area. But hey, Irvine probably won't be slashing you at your stomach. He'd take your head off." He grinned.

"Is that the new accessory?" Ian asked curiously. "Anything else?"

"Yeah. They gave me a silver cross too. Said it's for decoration purposes. I think I'm supposed to attach it to the monitor, but I think it looks nicer on me," he replied, putting the necklace around his neck and grinning.

Ian raised his eyebrow, but decided that it was better for his health to not think too deeply into the issue. "You know, there's something I don't like about the DC. It's slow! My HC is much faster and more efficient!"

Owen grinned, shooting him a look that indicated mischief. "Oh yeah? Just wait till you see this!" he exclaimed, and climbed off the bed. Taking a small bowl of sugar that was on the table, something that Ian didn't notice before, Owen got to the CPU. Carefully, he slid open a small compartment at the side of the CPU, and put in a few tablespoons of sugar, ignoring Ian's wide-eyed looks. "Okay! Try using the DC again!"

He obliged. To his amazement, the computer did indeed operate much faster. "How!?"

"Well, the sugar makes the DC go on a sugar frenzy. Gives him more energy too," Stanley answered casually as if he had been talking about the weather. "The bad thing about is that sometimes ants will come too. But they say you can try putting coffee powder too. Must be the caffeine."

Ian nearly fell over in his chair. "My god…"

Owen leapt forward to take the mouse. "And if you think that's cool, wait till you see the new game!" He clicked on the very last icon on the desktop, and the screen quickly turned pink. A sledgehammer swung down, and the pink screen shattered into glass pieces, disappearing from view. Words popped up onscreen, reading 'Fall of the Pink Mansion'.

Then the words faded away like a gust of wind, and a pink mansion appeared. The screen panned in, and showed the house from all angles possible as though it was a blueprint under intense scrutiny by the gamers.

"What in the world is this?" Ian asked, but was quickly hushed by his friend.

The screen zoomed into one of the windows on the second floor, and a girl who resembled Relena Peacecraft, the notorious politician whom both the creators of the HC and DC seemed to hate with fervor. Whatever did she do to them to warrant such violence against her? Then he shrugged, not really concerned with that since he didn't like her all that much either. Probably a lot of people don't like her too, he mused, noting that sales of the HC and DC were rocketing according to news reports.

"So what am I supposed to do?"

"You're an assassin, and you're supposed to sneak inside the pink mansion and kill Relena Peacecraft," Owen answered.

"She's really Relena Peacecraft?" Ian asked, startled.

Stanley nodded. "We think so… She really looks like her. Anyway, this game is rated E for everybody, so it has got to be her."

"She's got a lot of enemies, huh?"

Owen and Stanley nodded sagely. Ian decided to turn back to the screen.

He raised an eye at the screen, when it zoomed into the main gate and icons appeared beside it. A sentence appeared: Choose something to open the door. He looked at the choices available. There was a hairpin, chainsaw, and a key. He picked the key, and the gate swung open. Doing likewise when he arrived at the door of the mansion, he finally got in without a bit of effort. Inside, many servants were shocked to see him.

His onscreen persona yelled, "Where is she?"

Suddenly, all the servants started to point up the stairs. "Up on the second story, third room from the right!"

"Man… and I thought my house had security problems!" Ian exclaimed, as his character rushed up the stairs amidst some wild cheering.

It wasn't long before he got into the room the Relena look-alike was in, and she shrieked loudly and shrill enough to shatter the windows and everything made of glass in the room. Luckily, Owen had turned off the speakers a second before she started to scream or they would all suffer from poor hearing from then on. Once it was over, Owen turned the speakers on again.

Various icons popped onscreen. Ian grinned when he saw them. Bazooka, rocket launcher, tank, laser cannon, bulldozer, tractor, chain saw, katana, .44 magnum, laser saber, sword, spear, darts, butter knife, arsenic, DDT, pesticide… you name it, they have it. He picked a simple can of pesticide and sprayed at her, and she promptly fell to the ground all curled up like a bug.

"You're lucky you didn't choose a whip, man. It turns S&M if you do," Owen said, shivering involuntarily from the image it brought. Ian and Stanley did likewise.

Suddenly, the computer screen went blank.

"Hey, what happened? I didn't do a thing!" Ian yelled.

Stanley slapped his forehead. "If I'm not wrong, that idiot next door just pressed 'escape' on his HC. Again. It's the third time this week!"

"I don't see what that has got do with this," Ian said, gesturing to the now quiet DC.

"Somehow, the new DC has the ability to shut down when a HC nearby self-destructs. They say it's some sorta defense mechanism against depression… I don't know…" Owen answered with a shrug. Inwardly, he was thinking that at least his QC didn't have this problem.

Ian sweatdropped, then his eyes took on an unholy gleam. "You know… I think I'm going to trade in Deana's DC for the new one."

"Why?" The brothers asked in chorus.

"Because every time she tries to press 'escape' on my HC, her poor DC is not gonna work either," he replied sinisterly. And he started to laugh crazily until Owen punched him in the gut.

"Oww…"

Stanley quickly slid the body plate under his tummy.

-owari- 


End file.
